Reflections on Raleigh

Fayetteville Street, downtown Raleigh's main thoroughfare.

While I was waiting to hear back from jobs in New York, I stayed with my dad in Raleigh, North Carolina for about a month.  Raleigh is a sleepy town, but, of course, calling someplace a sleepy town suggests there is some mild activity like, you know, breathing, that I have yet to observe in Raleigh.  Instead, here is what I have observed:

1. Raleigh has a population of 400,000, but for the life of me, I have no idea where those 400,000 people go.  The city looks deserted. ALL THE TIME.  It reminds me of beautiful downtown Martinez, my hometown in California, which looks like a ghost town anytime after 5 pm on a weekday or on the weekends.  (In fact, even the McDonald’s closes on weekends.)  Oh, except when I want to drive somewhere, in which case those 400,000 Raleighans (not to be mistaken for Raelians, although that would be an interesting twist) suddenly descend upon the road, making it impossible to get anywhere in any kind of timely manner.  I realize that electrified traffic signals are some pretty terrific technology, but we might consider sharing the wonderful innovation of grade-separated crossings with our brethren down here.

2. I went for a hike in William B. Umstead State Park, a 5,500 acre park just south of the international airport, which means that every five minutes, you get to enjoy the earth-shattering roar of a Boeing 737, only a couple thousand feet above you, as it comes in for its final approach to the airport.  Here’s the wonderful thing about the place, though: parking is free.  Not free for two hours, free.  I drove in, parked my car, and then just started hiking.  Which is just my way of saying, fuck you Los Angeles.  Also, one word of caution: they have snakes in North Carolina.  Lots of them, very dangerous snakes (but that goes without saying).  So, you know, bring a gun.

3. I explored the North Carolina Museum of the Natural Sciences.  I know what you’re thinking: a science museum in the South?  Yes, yes indeed.  And nary a mention of creationism, either.  Of course, the place was empty.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to go, what with exhibits like “Tropical Connections,” describing how North Carolina was once a tropical paradise – with long, beautiful white beaches, thousands of square miles of rainforests, mild temperatures and an unsettlingly high degree of biodiversity – before it became an unbearably humid hellhole with massive shifts in seasonal weather, ravaged by frequent summer thunderstorms and annual hurricanes.

4. And while we’re on the topic of humidity, who’s the weather genius that came up with that one?  And why would anyone, anywhere want to live in a place with the kind of stifling humidity that they have here?  It’s like walking at the bottom of a swimming pool heated to 90°, but where you can’t actually get wet.  And when you sweat, it doesn’t evaporate because the air is already so loaded with moisture.  How am I supposed to cool off if the bodily function evolved to do that, well, can’t?  Luckily, things are air-conditioned now, which means you can dart inside any of the numerous Confederate merchandise or army surplus stores to get a welcome respite from what I can only assume is God’s punishment of Southerners for slavery.

5. Speaking of God, their supermarket is called “Food Lion.”  Because that’s what I think of when I think of food: lions.  And I know what you’re going to say: is Ralph’s or Safeway or Albertson’s really any more logical?  Yes.  I really don’t feel like I need to explain that point any further.

6. Speaking of supermarkets, the two most common sights in Raleigh are churches and veterinarians.  Apparently Raleighans love their dogs and their God (for you dyslexics out there: Raleighans love their gods and their Dog).

I don't know why, but I feel like a sea captain should live here.

7. Very few people have fences around their houses here, which is a bit unsettling for someone coming from somewhere like California, where just about everything is completely fenced in.  I had always assumed it was part of the deal when you buy a house: you get a fence, but not so here.  Perhaps people are more neighborly, or less protective, or crime is lower, or fences are just really expensive.  Whatever the reason, there’s this enormous feeling of community, of not finding it necessary to separate yourself from others, and it’s very uncomfortable.

8. Still, there are nice things.  Everything is green, and there are miles and miles of uninterrupted forests situated along the highways almost anywhere you go.  And right now, the trees are just starting to turn yellow, and I can only imagine the incredible beauty when they sport their full fall colors.  Clearly, developers here haven’t realized that what people want isn’t a connection to nature, but miles and miles of strip malls packed with the same stores you can find anywhere else that all sell the same clothes.  Or they’re just slackers.  Maybe it’s because the humidity makes it UNBEARABLE TO DO ANYTHING.

9. There are some stunningly beautiful houses in the older parts of Raleigh, pictures of which I took using the handy new HDR capabilities on my phone’s camera.  This one looks hauntingly similar to the Phantom Manor in Disneyland Paris (you see what I did there?):

So, anyway, that’s Raleigh.  Reading this should be roughly the equivalent of actually having visited, so I’ve saved you a trip.  You can thank me later.  Also, you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed $20, would you?